Vibrator Races

My sincerest apologies dearest friends for not posting lately. Admittedly I haven't been inspired to post funny, amusing tales. If you know me, you know how introspective I can sometimes be. This should not surprise you. For any of you that don't know me, know that my heart and my passion is like the sun, burning bright and bold even in darkness and amplified with solar flares. It's just who I am. I am learning to embrace my passionate creative side and make new choices with my life to become the woman I want to be.

Now onto the funny.

This week was a hectic week here at the office. There aren't many tales from my numerous 'admirers' from around the world. I heard from SwedishStalker, SeattleJoe, and StalkerSteve in the past months but nothing amusing to retell. I'm above that :) However I did meet the most hilarious man on Wednesday night. He works for a company where we are currently selling into. This company shall rename nameless to protect the innocent.... or not so innocent in this case. I shall call him, Scottish Bard, for that is who he is. Holding court around the bar, Scottish Bard retold stories of his misspent youth in drunken revelry. An older man, Scottish Bard suffers from short man syndrome and overcompensates by being HILARIOUS. He talks openly about his divorce, his new wife, and his passion for fishing... not catching but fishing. Every story had me clutching my side in laughter... tears were streaming down my face as my mouth froze into a perpetual smile. He was THAT funny. It wasn't the story itself or the words he chose that made it funny... it was the delivery. He had perfect comedic timing. He ends every routine with "Is that wrong?". Noo... It's not wrong to manipulate your ex-wife by insulting her new beau. Not at all.


My favorite story was one where he spoke of a time (admittedly not so long ago.. a year or two) where he was working with a manager down on Canary Wharf. Innocently I had mentioned that every girl needs a few accessories. I had NO idea that this innocent comment would lead me down a yellow brick road paved with lecherous intent. (apologies as my delivery won't come close to his animated storytelling style). One evening after a night of drinking the manager invited them over to his flat. The entire team was there and quite inebriated from the sound of it. The lady of the manor wasn't home but one of the team members found her stash of accessories... the naughty drawer. Clearing off the coffee table, the team decided to race all of the vibrators across the coffee table. After a frenzied pre-race shot, each member had their vibrator of choice. They took off and after a few minutes, it turns out the the rabbit won. He even characterized each type and described how the eggs would just turn around in circles. As with all of his stories, he ended with, "Is that wrong?" Not willing to admit I had been blushing the whole time, I replied with a very subtlety sarcastic "Nooo". In all of my stubbornness, I knew that this discourse was a test to see how I would react... Not allowing myself to admit that I was shocked, I put on a straight face and laughed. This was nothing compared to the Brown's conversation I overheard yesterday... I guess it's true what they say about the British... Chivalry is dead. British gentleman is most certainly an oxymoron. File all of this information in the things I never wanted to know box, filed away but not forgotten. So very educational.